Tentative. What came up for you when you read that word?
For many people, tentative is basically a “no.” So, seeing “tentative” produces a negative sentiment because most people don’t like hearing or seeing the word “no.” Unlike most people, I think the word tentative is neutral. Undecided because I don’t have enough information to make a decision yet, but I am noodling and will be at a decision point sooner versus later. But that’s not what this essay is about; it is about how we use “tentative” and how we can update our thinking about it.
In my experience, tentative is most often used regarding RSVPs. Someone wants to invite you to the thing, and you look at your calendar (hopefully, you look at your calendar!) and give some thought to whether you are available. Then you notice that you have a hold for something with your “flaky friend,” who often cancels things at the last minute.
So, you respond “tentative,” thinking that if your flaky friend cancels, you will go to the new thing you’ve been invited to. What you might not realize at this moment is that you have become a flaky friend…
The person who invited you often doesn’t know this backstory; all they see is your RSVP choice. A simple correction could be when you find yourself in one of these conundrums, you respond tentatively, reply to the invite owner, and explain the situation to them (briefly!). Something like, “Thank you so much for this invite, I would love to attend. I currently have a hold on this time for another engagement, but I will let you know XX days in advance if you can count on me being in attendance.”
Alternatively, you can decline the invitation. If your flaky friend cancels, you have a free day—yay!
Seems easy enough. So, why do so few do this? It’s likely because of FOMO, at least primarily. Often, people knowingly accept multiple invitations to overfill their calendars and tell themselves that they will decide on the day of or decide which activity is more “fun” and go to that one. Let me be clear: your choices = your prerogative. But I suggest that you consider how that plays out in real life and how it impacts your reputation.
Are you a flaky friend, but you don’t know it?
As we move into spring and summer, the season of invites to all sorts of things, garden parties, graduations, friend’s night out, etc. I encourage you to be more thoughtful when you say “yes” to something.
This is primarily because when someone invites you to join them for an experience, they value your presence at the event. When you don’t take that seriously and/or flake out, there are practical impacts, including rearranging a seating chart at the last minute, which is annoying, or wasting money on food that the host ordered for you to enjoy. Less practical but likely more damaging impacts include being labeled as the flaky friend who doesn’t follow through.
Again, your choices are your prerogative, but none of us wants to be a flaky friend. So let your “yes” be your “yes” and your “no” be your “no,” and if you did need to respond “tentative,” use it with more care and consideration going forward.
